Why We Matter
The adoptee experience is often influenced by societal portrayal of adoption, family dynamics, assumptions, state laws and social support. Commonly, the image of adoption in society implies a fairytale-like success story, of placing an “unwanted” child as an addition to a forever family that will love them as their own, the solution to infertility struggles. Not only can this portray a “savior complex” but also can lead adoptees to feel like they were never first choice and were a “last resort”. Individuals that are foreign to the complexities of adoption may tend to only see the surface-level gains in adoption. While there are abundant rewards in the adoption experience for all parties, failure to equally acknowledge the losses or traumas experienced in adoption can be unintentionally harmful, directs the narrative, overlooks the child’s perspective, and limits the full experience. In reality, prior to any adoption is the breakup of a family, disruption of maternal-infant bonding, traumatic loss of an individual’s lineage, culture, genetic make-up, and a child is placed in a forced new reality requiring encouragement of assimilation rather than integration of the child’s history. Statements represented outside the personal perspective of the adoptee can create a collective assumption of how the child is expected to think or feel. For example, opinions or expectations that the child should feel “grateful” can imply that feeling anything other than grateful is shameful, selfish, and unappreciative. Adoptees can feel pressure to be grateful yet without recognition of the situational cause requiring adoption to have taken place and allowing grieving for the loss that has occurred. Truth is, many adoptees live their entire lives without knowing their origin stories or the circumstances surrounding their individual adoption. Established laws currently exist, which vary by state, that deny adult adoptees access to their original birth certificate. These are state laws that separate and prevent adoptees from their own personal information as well as biological medical history.
Further enhancing the narrative provided to adoptees, they are often told by their adoptive parents that “your mother loved you so much she gave you up to give you a better life”. Truthfully, no birth parent who relinquishes parental rights can guarantee that the child’s life will be better. No person knows, with certainty, future outcomes. It becomes not a ‘better life’ but a different one. Adoptive parents may feel obligated to create assumptions or false narratives to make up for the unknown realities of the child’s origin story. In addition, a child’s immature level of understanding may begin to translate that “love equals abandonment”.
Many adoptees describe feeling like a blank slate as if their life only began at the point of adoption. They often grow up never having any connection to other adoptees with their only frame of reference being their own experience. This can lead to feelings of isolation, enhanced feelings of abandonment or thoughts of being unwanted, and questioning why they weren’t “good enough” to be kept. Adoptees can begin to wonder if their feelings are normal, valid or experienced by other adoptees. Already possessing feelings of rejection or being unworthy, adoptees often remain isolated in their own experiences and therefore do not disclose being adopted or may even avoid the subject altogether. Some adoptees may even grow up unaware of their own experience that may be stored in their preverbal memories requiring them to live with challenges that are unidentified and unacknowledged, but still exist. Additionally, there are many late-discovery adoptees who uncover their adoption later on in life, often leaving them with a shattered sense of identity and impaired sense of trust.
While every adoptee experience is unique and personal, there are also many similarities shared amongst members of the adoptee community. For example, what traces the origins of every adoptee story is the breaking of the biological bond between a mother and child, leaving the child vulnerable to disruption in attachment security and abandonment wounds, regardless of if the child was adopted as an infant or teenager. It is important to recognize and understand that infant adoptions and closed adoptions do not come trauma-free. Many forms of adoption exist, each carrying its own unique layers of complexity.
Since the COVID-19 pandemic, many online platforms were created and this connected adoptees nationally and worldwide in ways that many may have not connected otherwise. Platforms began to multiply including groups for all members of the adoption triad sharing their experiences, to platforms that seek to educate and unite these perspectives or provide virtual peer support groups. An increasing number of adoptees discovered a newfound connection and experience that helped them to recognize that they are not alone, that their feelings are valid and that there is hope and healing. Many of these platforms remain online while others are re-incorporating regular in-person events and conferences.
There is continual growing global awareness for the needs of orphans and struggling families. Local support here in East Texas also has resources for prospective foster homes, adoptive families, help for children from hard places, and assistance for women in crisis pregnancies. The founders of Adoptees of East Texas recognized a lack of continued support, education, awareness and connection for adoptees into adulthood. Considering that adoption is a lifelong journey, adoptees may struggle as they enter different phases of adulthood in areas such as relationships, marriage, having their own biological children, or the loss of aging adoptive/foster parents. Connecting virtually with other adoptees can be beneficial but also can be limiting. Adoptees of East Texas seeks to connect adoptees together and provide access to peer support within their own communities. When adoption is framed as the only solution, we lose sight of adoption as a lifelong experience of healing trauma wounds, breaking systemic barriers, and ultimately restoring hope in families.
Adoptees of East Texas 